Seriously, I get into my DeLorean after a nice nap, ready to go to work two weeks up, early in the morning.
I pop down to the coffee shop, and there’s a sale, dammit! Everybody’s there, crowding the place, DeLoreans all over and nowhere left to bloody park or nothing.
I don’t mind paying full price for my sweet bucket of caffeine so check my to-do list for an empty slot, I travel down one day, park at my usual spot one second after I just left sometime ago, and I rush inside the coffee shop because this has already taken too long. Yeah, I know I’m a time-traveller but I ain’t getting any younger, lad.
So, I go in the coffee shop, and it’s that ginger babe, right? With the killer knockers up to here. I walk up to her all macho like.
“Hey, Kathryn,” I nod at her, looking like a stud.
She presses her lips together and throws an entire coffee on my face.
I scream like a little bitch ’cause I think I’m scarred for life and everything, but it’s just moderately warm. I spit out the foam.
“Why d’you do that for?” I squeal, going for the napkins.
“You stood me up yesterday, and you’re coming in here, getting your coffee like nothing’s happened between us,” she says, hand on her waist.
“Kathryn, you know I’m a time traveller. Things get mixed up, sweetheart. When was this?” I wipe away the coffee from my shirt but I know it’s already ruined.
She points at the exit. “Five seconds ago.”
“That wasn’t-” I complain then stop, exasperated. She might have an amazing pair of titties on her but she can’t wrap her head around time travellin’. I take a deep breath. “Look, this is my preferred day, remember? From your point of view, I’ll be coming in here every five minutes for the rest of your shift. I wasn’t gonna pop in today, it wasn’t on my schedule, see?” I show her my neverending to-do list. Being a time traveller basically means having a nevernending to-do list. They never tell you that beforehand.
She raises her nose at my list. She crosses her arms under her chest, making her titties perk up and threaten to leave the confines of her bra.
Did I really score last night? Lucky bastard, my future self.
“So, you’re saying you haven’t gone out with me yet?” she asks, her mask of anger showing cracks.
“Not yet, no. I’d love to!” I say, arms open in surrender. It also helps with drying up myself.
She smirks and I can imagine her lips running all over my crotch. “Okay. I’ll forgive you, for now. The usual?” she asks, turning to make me my coffee.
“Yeah, exactly the same I ordered five minutes ago,” I say, smiling. I check my breath as soon as she turns away from me, then lean in on the counter. “Hey, Kathryn, did we…” I click my tongue. “You know.”
She smirks even more, looking naughty as an elf. She pours the hot coffee with the steaming thing. “You should remember those things. A girl gets upset when you don’t,” she said, indifferently.
“I told you it’s in my Yet, darling,” I snap back at her, then calm myself down.
She waves my comment away, and passes me my sweet tub of coffee.
I take a sip, it’s hot and sweet like a Turkish delight, just the way I like it. “Thanks, love.” I plop down payment, plus a generous tip. And then I nod goodbye and I’m outta there.
As soon as I get in my DeLorean, it bugs me. What did I do in her Past? I note down the exact time and unpark the car, then drive away. As soon as I’m gone, I see my DeLorean in the rear-view mirror popping up and parking at my spot, the one I just vacated.
Normal stuff for a time-travellin’ bastard, basically.
I go to the dry-cleaners and take off my shirt. I plop it down on the counter. “When will it be ready?” I ask the man in there.
He tells me.
I run out half-naked and get into the car, pop Up three hours and pick up my dry-cleaning. I pay the man and put on the shirt, clean and warm, it feels perfect on my skin. Then I note it down, get back in the car and go to work to finish my morning shift.
During tea-time, it’s still bugging me. I say ‘Excuse me’ and go down to the car, then pop Down to last night. I drive with no purpose, then realise I’m stupid. I don’t have her address!
I pop Up three days and stop with the alarm lights in the middle of the street outside the coffeeshop. My future self is inside, getting his coffee. I open his DeLorean and check his to-do list, I’ll surely remember to jot her address down. There it is, 5 Highlord Lane.
I leave the to-do list and hop back in my car, then pop back three days Down. It’s night, and I find the address.
I wait a bit, I can see Kathryn’s hair in the dim light of her apartment. It’s all nice and romantic, go me! I-from-inside seem to get all the moves right ’cause I score, putting her on her back on the sofa. I bite my lip from outside, damn, this is getting me hot and bothered.
I can’t wait. I pop Up one hour, and they’re still getting it on. That’s weird, I never last that long. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m more of the wham-bam-nice-to-see-you-ma’am variety.
Frowning, I pop Up one hour again.
Still getting it on. Okay, this is freaking me out, I know for a fact I cannot last that long. I can barely go a second round, let alone a second hour.
I sneak close and check inside the window. I’m certain I’ll see someone else in there, but my damn DeLorean is also parked outside. I peek inside, and those are my pants on the sofa alright, I’d recognise them everywhere, they got that nice weathering in the bumcheeks.
I scratch my head, this is getting weird.
I get back in my car, pop Up another hour. This is late in the night now. I, as in the one inside, am still getting it on!
I stick around under her window and wait this time, this cannot be.
After a time, I hear talking. Me is sayin’ “I’m off to the bathroom and back again for another round, right love?”
She’s lying on the bed, all messed up, hair, sheets, lipstick. She’s covered in a thin layer of sweat and she’s got the widest grin I’ve ever seen on a satisfied woman. “Yes,” she breathes out huskily, barely making sense. “I’ll wait a moment.”
And then I see my future self pop out of the apartment. I hide behind a bush, and see myself sneak out, cross the street and go into his DeLorean, then pop away.
And then it hits me.
I note down the time and date on my to-do list and pop inside Kathryn’s apartment from the door, which my future self has left open for me. Such a clever lad, that one.
I get inside, hesitating.
She breathes hard on the bedroom. “Come on! I need you, again…” She’s like a nympho, grinding her hips and rubbing her enormous tits.
I throw my clothes on the same spot on the sofa and dive right in.
She hugs me tightly and squeezes me, rubbing her sweaty and fuckin’ scalding body on me. “Are you refreshed?” She asks in-between hungry kisses.
“Yeah,” I say when I manage to get a breath. “It’s not me from before, I need to tell you that. I’m from…”
“I don’t care,” Kathryn says and straddles me, pushing me on the bed. “Just do me again,” she moans and grinds on my cock.
So I do as the lady asks, smiling wide. “The coffee-girl services me with my coffee every five minutes. It’s only fair I service her every five in turn.”
I turn to the window and see my future self waiting outside the apartment, at the exact same spot I was standing before.
Don’t worry, mate. I’ll only be five minutes, tops.