“You’ll grow the best strains of weed all day,” the ad said, and Jay was instantly hooked.
What could possibly be better than that? A life of just tending the garden, growing your space weed, relaxing, taking a whiff.
“Where do I sign?” Jay said, excited.
They dropped him off at the faraway colony. It was pretty much the farthest planet ever colonised by humanity. The automated terraforming was nearly done, and all it needed was the human population to take up residence. Since it wasn’t a trade hub or anything, people needed actual incentives to go out there and colonise.
Oh, well. You gotta start somewhere.
He was the first to get there. “The other colonists will arrive within a standard month,” they assured him.
No matter, Jay could wait around a bit, explore. He took off his clothes and ran naked all over the colony, making sure to sit on anything that he could possibly sit on with his bare ass. “Woohoo! First ass to sit on this, and first ass to sit on that, and first ass to sit on there… Ouch, dude! That’s hot.”
He put some aloe on his ass to treat the burn from the pipe.
“That was a heat vent,” the computer told him helpfully after the fact.
“Gee, thanks,” Jay mocked, rubbing his ass and unable to sit down anywhere. He explored around some more. The colony wasn’t much, it had the essentials and it was awaiting for more equipment and personnel. A 3D printer, some autonomous remote-farming drones, that was it.
He took another walk around the farm, it needed work. He touched some of the leaves, they needed care and love from a human hand, not this robot nonsense. “Well, since I can’t sit my butt down, I might as well do some work,” he said to himself, and tended to the plants.
This particular weed strain had been genofixed for this exact climate, so it practically grew on its own. All the colonists had to do was make sure they were planted far enough apart, keep them watered, put down any fires, that sort of thing. There were no animals that could eat those plants so they needed no pesticides or fences. It was pure organic farming.
The product would be of the highest quality when the others came and they could start farming in wholesale quantities.
He’d know, he smoked a lot of it. Like, a lot. It was good shit.
A month passed and Jay sent a message. “Hey, dudes, when are the others gonna come? It’s getting kinda lonely.”
“Colonist, I’m afraid there’s been some skirmishes in the sector between the Tristar Alliance and the Delian Brigade. We wouldn’t want to risk the colonists’ lives, so it will take some time. You are doing well as we can see from the automated reports and we ask you to please be patient for a little while longer, until hostilities quiet down and the routes open up again.”
Jay shrugged. He didn’t know about politics but it didn’t sound all that bad. Things would quiet down and the others would finally come. The colony was starting to feel like home now, he had settled down nice. He was sleeping in the allocated room, it was just a small bunk which would feel crowded after his roommate would arrive. Would he like snore at night and keep him up? Would he touch his stuff? He hoped not.
Anyway, he’d deal with that when the others would come.
He smoked his weed and kicked the damn farming drones. They never did what he wanted them to.
“You need to program them,” the computer said unhelpfully. Again.
“I don’t know no programming!” Jay complained, and he was right. The others would know, they’d have a cook, and a medic, and a chief, and a geosurvey specialist, and a programmer, and an engineer. That was the roster. He was a simple farm-hand, but he could carry his weight. No one would dare say that Jay wasn’t doing what he was assigned to do.
“Perhaps you can learn some programming,” the computer said and presented an ebook.
“Are you high? I ain’t readin’ no book!” Jay spat out and stormed out of the control hub in anger. That computer was getting too condescending, he could tell.
Jay drove with the quad up to his favourite spot, up on the hill where he could see his crops from on high. He rolled up some of his weed and smoked it, feeling the calmness wash over him.
Sure, he was alone, but it was kinda nice. Quiet. The drones and the colony hub made some whirring noise and spurted out steam or whatever, but other than that, it was just the rustling of the leaves when caressed by a warm wind. This place really was beautiful, a paradise.
Stoned and smiling and enjoying the magnificent view, he rubbed one out, thinking about the chicks that would be coming to the colony. Would they be blondes? Redheads? Jay didn’t mind, as long as they had nice legs. He liked nice legs in a woman. Sure, he liked the lips and the boobs and the face, but mostly the legs. Smooth, long, running his lips on every centimetre of their surface.
He came on the dirt and sat there, breathing hard. No one was there to see him anyway, he could do whatever he damn pleased. He was all alone in the entire planet.
Until the others would arrive.
Another month passed and Jay felt the first chill of the planet’s winter. It was nothing bad, just some biting wind and the leaves dying, it was all normal. You’d call it a gentle winter, really. He barely needed a jacket. He had grown a lot of muscle, working the plants was a relaxing, but hard job.
The loneliness was really starting to bug him. He sent another message to Central. “Hey, any updates on those colonists? No problems here, I’ve fixed everything that popped up, but it’s getting kinda lonely. Hey, just curious, are there any ladies coming? Jay out.”
He sent the message and waited for a reply.
“Satellite down,” the computer said.
“No, on the receiving end. Don’t worry, Colonist, I’ll keep retrying until the message goes through.”
“Thanks,” Jay said and went to his room. He hit his head as he was getting down to bed, cursed loudly every single person’s mother and grandmother, and then pulled his bedroll and went to the big room. The chief was supposed to get this one, and it was nice and roomy and had a big bed and kitchen automations.
“This isn’t your allocated room,” the computer said and locked the doors right in his face.
“Bite me!” Jay said and walked out.
He came back inside with the quad. He hooked the doors onto the winch and got on the quad.
“Jay, you are vandalising company property. This will be deducted from your pay.”
“Bite. Me.” Jay stepped on the pedal and the doors came apart.
“Woo hoo!” he cheered, and ran inside the big quarters. They were magnificent. “I’m gonna move out when the chief comes, don’t worry,” he said to the computer, and jumped on the bed.
Oh, yeah. This was the good life.
Another month passed.
“Did my messages get through?”
“Impossible to know,” the computer said unhelpfully for the millionth time.
“Okay, send this. Central, when the colonists arrive, please add in some goodies for me. I think I’ve earned an extra crate. I want some vodka, the good stuff. A feather pillow. Um… What else. Oh, some porn. Yeah, anything is fine, really. Even granny porn, I could wank off to a granny knitting a scarf the way I am now… But don’t send me the granny porn. That’s not what I’m asking, I want big-breasted blondes, in gel-o, catfighting. Or washing cars, I always liked that. Perhaps if you can find some that are washing quads, that would be great. Jay out.”
A year passed.
“Okay, I give up,” Jay said, plopping his ass down. “Teach me.”
“Programming?” the computer said, showing the ebook about the subject. It was ‘For Dummies,’ of course.
“Yeah. Hit me. I need to learn to work those damn drones. I wanna expand to the east at that clearing, and I can’t do it without their help.”
“I’m glad you came to your senses, Colonist,” the computer said.
“Bite me,” Jay said.
Jay expanded to the east, then a bit to the south. It took him months but he finally learned how to program the remote farming drones. It took some trial and error and a forest fire, but he figured it out. When he got up to his hill for his daily masturbation he could see his crops all the way to the horizon. That was nice. He’d smoke some of his weed and rub one out, just him and the farm and the rest of nature.
God, he was so lonely. He’d give anything for some company right now. A woman, definitely. Even a dude so he could hang out. Heck, after another year of this, he wouldn’t really mind getting busy with a dude. Who’d give a shit, all the way out here?
All he craved for was some human touch.
He pressed the record button. “Is anyone out there? Jay out.” He sent the message. He had no clue if anyone was there to listen to him. Space was big, even a farm-hand like Jay knew that. Sometimes things took a lot of time. And humans hadn’t actually expanded properly. They had just rushed out to claim every bit of usable land they could find. Like this one, Jay’s planet. Yes, this was Jay’s planet now, that’s what he had decided. Who would protest anyway?
Well, the computer protested, but it could bite him.
Jay tended to his plants, they had expanded all the way over the horizon now. He couldn’t personally tend to everything, but the farming drones did a good job, and the weed had nothing to eat it, no large grazing animals. Eventually, he knew, they’d cover the entire planet. It was a small planet, not like Earth, but it was a frickin’ planet! Jay found the idea of covering up the entire planet with his garden very funny, and he laughed all alone, smoking his weed.
He got bored one day, so he touched his junk on every single surface he could reach. That became an obsession, and he got ladders and ropes and his junk started to feel a little itchy but he couldn’t stop now. He climbed everywhere, rubbed his junk on everything, the stairs, the vents, the roof, even the satellite dish. “It’s all mine!” he shouted at the top of his lungs. Then he fell from the roof and broke his leg.
It took him a few months of recovery. He couldn’t tend to the garden, but he kept a close eye on the farming drones and their reports. There was nothing else to do anyway. He jerked off like five times per day and at some point it hurt so he stopped that. He gained some weight, read up on more programming and went on to some irrigation systems.
The day he could walk properly he immediately went up to his hill and stripped naked, his garden below, his arms open.
This was paradise.
When the First Colonial War ended, the company fixed her trade routes and reestablished communications with the remote colonies. Jay’s planet, for it was now its legal name since he was the sole occupant for decades, became one of the biggest trade spots in the outer colonies.
Sadly, Jay died before the company could send the colonists there. They found him an old man, dead, embraced in his bed with a farming bot turned into a curvaceous gynoid with blonde hair.
The gynoid demanded that they respect Jay’s legacy and the colonists indeed didn’t touch his quad nor the original hub. It became a place of quiet contemplation, something like an ashram of old.
The equipment they’d brought with them was decades ahead anyway, so they colonised the planet and tended to the garden.
Jay’s planet, with the biggest garden in the colonies, became a place where negotiations happened, where diplomats walked barefoot, enjoyed nature and smoked weed.
The colonies were much more utopian after that.