The Holidays have become so commercialised. It wasn’t like this back when we were kids, you know? We used to have distinct holidays, one for each religion, Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Yule, heck even those stupid pasta guys had one.
And then we lined up the mutants and they all fought together to the death.
See? Traditional stuff, for the whole family.
Now all they want to do is get turned into nanite clouds or switch genders for the holidays or whatever, see how it feels and all that crap. That’s so lame, the Red Holidays used to be so much fun. Oh, how I remember when I was just ten years old when our mutant Santa tore up the Kwanzaa mutant with his knives, so much blood everywhere!
Red Holidays indeed.
I’m sure they used to do something to those mutants so they’d bleed more, I swear, that much blood gushing out wasn’t normal.
Or, I remember now, it’s all coming back to me, that time I was fifteen and I saw the jailbreak during the Holidays. Man, those inmates sure were stupid to try and escape that time of the year. The mutant Santa hunted them all down and killed them one after another, it was glorious. He’d yell about his naughty list, what was it he kept saying?
Oh, right, ‘You’ve been naughty this year, Ho, Ho, Ho.’
Such gravitas. And then he’d shoot their kneecaps or something, so much gore.
Yeah, you might be right, it was a bit bloody now that I think about it. But what are you gonna do, not watch the Red Holidays, the best event of the year? Are you crazy?
I wasn’t gonna miss that…
One time, we snuck out with my sister and found one of the severed arms of the mutant Santa and poked it with a stick. No, I didn’t pick it up, I’m not crazy. Yeah, sometimes the naughties got to him, it was a fair fight. Fair, if they had enough brains to team up and fight in unison. Then they might die a bit later, or mutant Santa would have to kill them quickly so he’d move on to dispose of the others. A quick death was a gift, I tell you that!
Slow, agonising death was the alternative, and that, nobody wanted that for themselves, naughties or nicesies.
The best year?
Hmm… Let me think.
Oh, that time I was twenty, I saw the mutant Santa, that year he had an additional cyberhead attached with extra sensors and stuff, and he went toe to toe with some augmented naughties from the north. Immortals, you know, those freaks who augmented themselves to be unkillable? They were illegals or something, the authorities wanted to get rid of them so they just threw them in the Red Holidays. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am, problem solved.
Oh, no, it sure was messy. I think they burned down an entire city grid. Can’t remember which one, it was years ago. I’m sure they’ve rebuilt it by now.
So, anyway, that year’s mutant Santa had some kick-ass rifles and no one was crazy enough to ask him to give them up, so to even the score the naughties were armed as well. It was the biggest firefight, I tell you that. Yeah, like those you see on the 4D movies. No, the old ones, not the politically correct crap they pump out lately, sheesh.
What was great about it? Well, the mutant Santa was evenly matched and those buggers couldn’t get killed, remember? So he took quite some beating, he was mad as hell. But he brought down a few of them and tried every twisted thing he could think of to keep them dead. He put them in cement, inside separate Faraday cages to disperse their healing nanites, he poured acid on them, flesh-eating bacteria, the dude went all out. He’s my all-time favourite, such an inventive motherfucker.
He managed to keep two of them legally dead but the other one escaped, swore death to everyone involved and then nuked the city.
That was rad.
Yeah, I survived, why are you asking?
Yes, my kids do have three hands, but it’s not polite to ask me that. Didn’t they teach you manners in journalist school?
Alright, this interview is over, I gotta go buy some zombie trees anyway. You know, it’s tradition. I’m an old-fashioned guy, what can I say?