“You know that old movie? The Matrix?” the black man asked me.
“Yeah. What about it? I might have seen it when I was little.”
“Really? It was kinda PG-15, wasn’t it?”
“My parents were real nerds, didn’t really care. I watched Alien before I learnt that Santa wasn’t real.”
The man raised his eyebrows. “Alrighty then. As I was saying, you remember the moment, with Morpheus: Take the red pill, leave the Matrix. Take the blue pill, remain blissfully unaware?”
“Yeah, yeah, now I remember. Neo picks it, the blue pill.”
“No dummy, ’cause that would end the story right then and there. Morpheus says to him: ‘You take the blue pill—the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill—you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember: all I’m offering is the truth.’ It was an awesome scene, I remember it by heart.”
“Okay. So he takes the red pill. What about it?”
The man sighed. “I’m trying to build up the drama here, Will.”
“Okay! I’m listening.”
“The Matrix seems plausible, but in truth it’s so far off the mark, it’s hilarious. The Matrix in the movie is a simulation of the real world. That is completely wrong. Our world is a simulation of the fake world.”
I pressed my eyes shut, trying to make sense of it. “That doesn’t make sense.”
The man leaned forward and gestured with his fingers along with his words. “What we call the real world, is fake. But not because it’s not real, no. It is. But it has been warped, and it’s now a simulation of a fake world.”
I frowned even deeper. “Nope,” I clicked my tongue. “Still not getting it.”
The man looked to the side, thinking. “Okay, let me put it in another way. The world was supposed to be going a different direction. But, the machines tricked us into taking this route. The mundane reality.”
“And what can we do about it?”
The man leaned back on his leather chair. “I have a pill with me. The options are two, you either take the purple pill, or you don’t. If you don’t, you just go back home and believe whatever you want to believe about me. I’m a wacko, a conspiracy nut, whatever,” he waved his hand around. “But,” he raised a finger and paused for emphasis, “you take the purple pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember: All I’m offering is the truth,” he said, closing his eyes and opening his palms.
The man opened a wooden box with a ginormous purple pill inside.
I gulped audibly. “Okay, I’m intrigued. I wanna learn what the Matrix is. Or, what it isn’t, as you said. But this pill is huge, man! Am I supposed to swallow it?”
The man frowned. “What, no. This is a suppository pill.”
I immediately stood up. “Fuck that. I’m staying in the Matrix. The story ends.”
“Wait,” my girlfriend said, squinting and shaking her head. “So you didn’t take the pill. But why?”
“I’m not gay!” I protested, my voice going up plenty of octaves.
“That’s not the point, Will,” she said, waving her hands frantically. “You had the one chance to learn the secrets of the universe, but turned them down because you’re homophobic?”
I kept my mouth open. “Well, yeah.”
She grunted in anger. “Argh! You dumb idiot! Where is he? Can I take the purple pill?”
“Did I mention it was a suppository?”
“A big one,” I showed her with my fingers. By chance alone, it was about the length of my penis. I exaggerated a couple of centimetres, though.
“Well, if you are willing to do that, are you finally gonna let me do you in the butt?” I asked, always hopeful.
She slapped me, hard.
Then she left to find Morpheus. Not even a kiss, nothing.
I never saw her again. She made the news a year after that, something about a coven of witches that supposedly had powers and could fly or something, trying to save the world from robots coming in from another dimension.
Do I regret it? Not really. I’m not sticking things in my butt, purple or otherwise.
The End of Will’s Story.
Note: This story is hilarious if you know that Will Smith turned down the role of Neo in the Matrix. There’s an alternate universe out there with him in the iconic part.