It was time to crash a Chinese wedding. Coconut took care of the dead guy in her hotel room. By taking care of she meant she assigned it to the cleaner crew and went into the shower to rub her follicles off until her skin turned red. Then she rubbed a bit more, just to be sure.

She got dolled up, put on her kimono, which needed some ironing but who gives a fuck by now, slid her katana under all that fabric and appeared with her traditional Japanese attire in the middle of a Chinese wedding.

Yup, that drew some death glares from some ladies for sure.

Coconut covered her face with her fan and walked amongst the crowd. All she could think of was the man she’d killed last night. She shouldn’t feel bad, he was in her room to kill her after all. Heck, he only missed by pure chance, she’d be dead by now, snuffed out in her sleep, or would have awoken with two holes in her chest and a serious case of ouchies.

She should feel fine after her first kill. He was an assassin after all, just like her. But Coconut covered her eyes from the strong Aegean sun and all she could see before her was the silhouette of a man pointing a gun in her face.

“Are you alright, dear?” a sweet Chinese lady asked. She had too much makeup on, the classic style all older ladies do when they have an important event.

“Yes, thank you,” Coconut smiled. She looked around, the view up here was magnificent. There was a little church which of course went unused for this occasion, but the spot was well-picked. Probably had a million Agora ratings for such events. It was very bright and a bit hot, the sun glistened on the Aegean waters that were way down below, and the rest of Santorini stood out in black rock with white buildings pouring over the top like frosting.

“Here, have some water. You look pale,” the old lady said and poured her some from the tables set up for the guests.

“Arigatou daimas,” Coconut bowed and accepted it. She drank it, and yes, she did feel better. She hadn’t eaten anything and she’d already vomited everything this morning.

The old lady smiled, she had dentures on. She pressed her eyes together. “Are you from the groom’s side?”

“I-I, yes,” Coconut nodded furiously with a stutter. “I-I’m here for the groom, yes.” It wasn’t a lie. That was the secret to lying, she learnt during her training. Just say the truth, omit everything that is inconvenient. Don’t blather on, let people assume whatever they want to.

“I see,” the old lady said and sipped her tea with loud, slurping noises.

Oh, Coconut was sure that the old lady knew about Li Wei’s indiscretions. She looked like the gossipy kind, sweet and talkative.

“There they are!” the old lady said.

Coconut turned around to see the groom coming up with his mates. They were all in suits, looking nice and clean-shaven, their shoes shiny and their strides confident.

And Coconut saw a glaring pink text in the middle of her field of view that simply said, ‘Massacre.’


Coconut pushed the old lady aside, gently. “Please, sit over there. Do not move.”

“What? Oh, young girl, this is-“ the old lady complained but Coconut remained gentle and forceful. She complied and sat her ancient butt down and out of the way.


She was about to complain some more when Coconut pulled out her katana. Then she promptly shut up with a clack of her dentures.

Coconut yelled an incoherent battle cry that sounded like ‘Aaaie’ and charged dead-ahead.

The tall friend pulled his gun but he was too late. Coconut slashed his wrist clean off, causing blood to pour out in a gusher. He sprayed her exposed leg and screamed in agony, holding it tight.

His hand had a death grip around the pistol and fell on the stone floor. Coconut did a little tippy dance on the spot, she had nailed that surprise attack! Alas, she didn’t have time to celebrate, since her mark was still alive and his other mate, the short, gruff one, was pulling another gun.

Crappity crap-crap.

Coconut dodged and fell behind a big candle, thick as her waist. It was actually very nice, the bride had good taste. The bullets dug into it, getting caught inside the thick material. The guests screamed and ran around, kicking over the chairs and running like crazy. Who could blame them?

The gruff mate was empty, and Coconut simply stood up and dashed up to him. She saw his surprised face as he fumbled with another clip, and she buried her katana inside his chest. Then she shook it around for good measure, maximizing the damage to his internal organs.

He coughed out blood and she kicked him away, pulling her bloodied sword out.

2nd kill confirmed. Five pinky points gained.

The third mate grabbed a chair and smashed it on Coconut’s head. That one, hurt. She admitted that. No, scratch that, it felt like pressure at the moment of impact and then she fell on all fours with her face on the solid rock, tasting her own blood.

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Then the pain hit her like a truck.

“Ow!” she cried out, writhing on the ground. The third mate grabbed another chair and smashed it on her back. That one hurt immediately, it was less of a shock for her. Coconut felt things grinding inside her spine that she was certain they weren’t meant to grind. A flash of pain shot up and she saw pure white for a second.

“Bitch! Die, bitch,” the third mate said and kicked her in the stomach.

Coconut tried to cover her belly, but the man kept kicking with his shiny shoes. He sprayed her with spittle as he cursed her.

Coconut grabbed his foot and twisted it, there was a pop.

“Aargh!” the third mate cried out and she pushed him backwards, forcing him to lose his balance and fall on some stupid spherical decorations, crushing them under his weight.

Coconut pushed herself up and she could swear she felt something ratting inside her. That was bad. But she could complain when she was dead. She snarled and fell on Li Wei, he tried to push her away with his elbows. They both wrestled and fell on the long table full of appetisers for the guests.

Li Wei grabbed a knife and stabbed her.

“Ow!” Coconut cried out, and looked down at her boob. As stabbing places went, it wasn’t a good one. “Not cool, man,” she said and pulled it out, then stabbed him back on the thigh. Now that was a good place to stab someone. Even if they got away, which Li Wei was currently doing since she had a couple of chairs smashed on her head and was feeling wobbly, they would bleed out more.

Li Wei left a trail of thick, dark red blood on the white stone as he ran away.

Coconut tried to keep herself upright. She lost her footing and fell on the floor, her kimono making things worse. She cursed and pushed the fabric away, it was torn and bloodied and ruined in all the scuffle. She tore the top sleeve and left her breast exposed. It was bloodied up after all. She snarled and picked up her katana from the ground.

The tall mate was passed out on the ground, gripping his stump. He looked miserable. Coconut slapped him awake. “Hey. Hey, man. Wake up. Want me to take you out of your misery?”

He shook his head and answered in Chinese, whimpering.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Coconut said and stabbed him again, holding her katana downwards with both of her hands.

3rd kill confirmed. Three pinky points gained.

Coconut leaned on the fallen man for a second. She unconsciously ground her waist on his crotch. She immediately stopped herself. What are you doing, you sick fuck? She had heard of the adrenaline doing weird things to your mind and body, but this was far out.

She pushed herself up, gripping the katana’s hilt. Then she put her foot against the dead body and splooshed it out of his chest. It made a terrible sound as it scratched against the bone, like nails on a chalkboard.

“Blrbl!” Coconut said, wiggling her fingers. That sound always got her hairs on end. She turned around. The guests were all gone, the granny was sitting at her assigned spot like a good girl, safe and sound, and Li Wei was running away, straight into his bride’s arms.

The poor Chinese woman froze, staring at her future husband coming at her, bloodied, frenzied, terrified. She held the bouquet of flowers and her father walked her to her wedding.


“No more wedding for you, sorry,” Coconut said and caught up with Li Wei. She slashed his Achille’s heel, hamstringing him.

His bride yelped and covered her mouth, letting go of a squeal.

“He wouldn’t last long tonight anyway,” Coconut said and kicked the back of his leg, forcing him to the ground.

“No!” the bride cried out with an extended hand.

Coconut slapped it away and simply stabbed her groom in the back.

Li Wei gurgled blood from his mouth and grabbed onto the kimono’s folds. He painted the flowers red with his own blood.

Coconut’s eyes went wide. “Oh, no, I botched the coup de grâce. Sorry!” She pulled the katana out of his back and stabbed him again. Hopefully into something more important this time.

“Aaa…” his bride let go of a choken wail and fell on her feet, dirtying up her wedding dress.

Coconut felt vindictive for a moment. She pulled the katana out and flicked the blade with a twist of her wrist, splashing the immaculately white fabric with brilliant red dots.

She had no idea why she had done that. She just felt like it.

Li Wei grabbed onto Coconut, on her leg, on her exposed breast, his fingers slipping on the blood lathered all over her skin. He grabbed the folds of the fabric that got him hard, and his face was that of a man in serious pain.

Coconut looked down, her katana held away from her body. “You’re surprisingly hard to kill for a man with so many medical conditions,” she grunted, then spun the sword in her hand and forced it down inside his neck, pushing it further inside with the full weight of her body.

Target’s death confirmed. Ten pinky points gained.

Okay, so the whole Coconut-falling-in-love-with-Li-Wei we said in the beginning was a lie. It was more like, she fell in love with the idea of Li Wei.

You never forget your first, after all.

The End.

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