Have you tried turning her off and on again? 🍆
“Have you tried turning her off and on again?” the tech support lady drolled on the holocall.
“Yes!” Jack said, exasperated. “That’s what you tell me to do every single time. I have. She’s smoking from her back, it’s not a software issue. Or, at least it’s not just that anymore.”
“Okay sir, we’re sending a technician over to service your sexdoll. Thank you for calling 6T9, we’re here for you to plug any hole.”
Then she hung up.
Jack waited anxiously, tapping his foot. He could see his doll through the door, slumped forward, smell of smoke in a hazy room. He felt bad about that, so he went in and opened a window to air it out.
It wasn’t long before the doorbell rang.
“Hello, this is your technician Wendy from 6T9, here to service your sexdoll. If you please point me to the room where she’s installed,” said the bored technician, carrying her toolkit.
“Right this way,” Jack said, inviting her in. “Here she is. I’ve followed everything support told me to do on the phone, nothing worked.”
“Hmm, I see,” Wendy said, inspecting the sexdoll. She put on plastic disposable gloves and turned her over, then plugged some device into a hidden slot in her back.
Jack was nervous, pacing up and down. He wanted to intrude, but decided that it would help speed things along if he just stayed out of the technician’s way.
Wendy checked the readings. “I see that you’ve had a similar malfunction three times already, but you opted-out of our offer to replace the sexdoll.”
“Well, yeah. I wanted this one. A replacement wouldn’t be her,” Jack said, apologetically.
Wendy raised an eyebrow. “I assure you, they are identical, sir. And in case you’ve paid for any mods, which I can see you haven’t, they too would have been replicated.”
“Yes, but I want this one. Can’t you fix her?” Jack said, pleading with his hands.
“We certainly can!” Wendy perked up and went back to checking the readings. “Same malfunction, every time. Sir, I need to ask you about how you use our product. Please be assured that I’m bound by my contract to not disclose any information to anyone, ever. Think of it like talking to your therapist.”
“Okay…” he said, hesitating. “Ask away.”
“What is the exact nature of your sessions with her?”
“What do you mean?”
“How do you use our product? Doggy-style? Reverse cowgirl? What?” she asked, spitting the terms in a deadpan, even bored tone of voice.
“Uh, sometimes, yes,” Jack said, his face turning red.
“I can actually see the logs, sir. You’ve done none of that. Listen, part of troubleshooting is sometimes figuring out what weird shit the client does to the doll. Now, trust me, I’ve seen it all. And I do mean, all. Nothing you say will shock me. Just lay it out for me, what’s your kink?” She batted her eyelashes and waited, tablet at the ready to jot his reply down.
“Uh… I don’t think I have any.”
Wendy snorted. “Right. You have a sexdoll that costs half an apartment’s worth and you don’t have any sexual kinks. Sir, all of our clients are weirdos, nothing to be ashamed of. Well, at least not when your money keeps going into our bank account.”
Jack was getting angry now. “I’m telling you, I don’t have any kinks.”
Wendy sighed and put the tablet away. She licked her lips, shut the back panel on the sexdoll and turned to him once more. “Sir, I have all gyroscopic and inertial data here. The sexdoll records your sessions so she can become better at pleasing you. Honestly, man, this was a high-priority call and I’m late on a dinner with my wife. I’d much rather be figuring this out early and being home with her than standing in your sticky sex room and begging you to tell me what you’re doing to your sexdoll to mess her up.”
Jack said nothing.
“I know you’re tinkering with the product, but none of the other technicians could figure it out. That’s why they sent me. You might have noticed my lack of decorum here, we’re basically teetering on the edge of a lawsuit. They don’t usually send me out on calls, for a good reason. But I’m the best, and I can’t figure out how you’re fucking the damn doll to mess her up like that.”
“I don’t fuck her,” Jack said softly.
Wendy cupped her ear with her hand. “Excuse me, what was that?”
“I don’t fuck her,” he repeated.
“You don’t fuck your sexdoll,” Wendy mocked him back, crossing her arms under her breasts. “Suuure…”
“We have sex… It’s just not, like that,” Jack said, waving his arm in her direction. “Like what you described.”
“Come on, dude, I’m trying to fix your fuck-toy so you can get back to pounding it! Tell me what it is you’re doing to her. What is it? Hot wax in her pussy? Almond milk in her ear? Drilling a Lumbar Puncture in her lower spine and then fucking it? I’m telling you, I’ve seen it all. Just tell me what it is.”
“I make love to her,” Jack said, softly.
Wendy’s eyes went wide. “WHAT?” she exclaimed, stepping back. She looked as if he had just admitted he liked killing puppies.
“I just make love to her,” Jack repeated with a shrug.
“That’s not how you’re supposed to treat her! Where’s the abuse? The punching? The humiliation?”
“Nowhere. There is none.”
“She wasn’t built for that!” Wendy said, going back to the sexdoll’s diagnostic panel.
It was Jack’s time to cross his arms and hug his chest. “Well, I’m the customer, right? Make her be able to handle it.”
Wendy stepped close to him and spoke as if to an idiot. “You bought the most heavy-duty sexdoll in existence, basically a crash dummy with boobs and fuckholes, build from space-age material that can withstand any and all abuse, so you could just have sweet-sweet love with her?”
“Yeah,” Jack apologised again. “I liked her eyes. You know, on the website.”
“Ay ay ay,” Wendy huffed out and went back to the sexdoll.
“Can you do it?” Jack said hopefully.
She sighed. “I guess. Why the hell not? It will void your guarantee as it is an illegal mod, but it’s not like you’re ever gonna need it with your touching and caressing,” she said, making fun of his voice.
“Thank you!” Jack said, excited.
Wendy clicked her tongue. “You better, ‘cause this will take too long and my wife will be pissed. But who am I to get in the way of mechanophilia?”
“It’s a kink,” she nodded slowly, looking sure of herself. “Look it up. I honestly wasn’t expecting that one, it’s a first. I give you that. But I’m always right.”